Written by David C. Hayes and Kyle Kline
Directed by Tiffany Kilbourne
Featuring: Lisa Montelongo, Martin Shannon, Dave Larsen, Melissa Mountifield, Robin Brown, Peter Ranaud
90 minutes
Watch the trailer
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If you’re lucky enough to find the unrated version of Shower of Blood, you’re in for the treat of your life. I don’t know what the rated version is like (I shudder), but this version has lots of boobs and shoven ladies’ private areas. Shower of Blood is the worst, cheesiest, most unashamedly bad horror film I have seen in a loooong time. It’s so bad I had to watch it twice. I wasn’t sure that what I was seeing was real, so I had to rewind many times. I made several other people watch it. Bad softcore porn, bad special effects, the dumbest writing in centuries of narrative perfomed theater and film, and the absolute worst computer generated effects ever all come together in what is in all probability the ‘perfect’ bad film. Touted by Brain Damage, pioneer of low budget female-directed horror, Shower of Blood is my new favorite film. I am both ashamed and proud of myself for admitting that. Oh! And there is a shower of blood in Shower of Blood.

Lisa, Kurt, Megan, and Heather and Terry are on their way to a concert/party/doesn’t-really-matter in Kurt’s car. Of course, Kurt is drinking brewskies along with Terry, his latently gay longhaired hippy-surfer best friend. Kurt is screwing Lisa, who is the 30-year-old teenager, and Terry wants to screw Heather (she’s a virgin. She’s about 27, but we’re supposed to believe she’s a teenager as well) but hasn’t yet. Megan is a drunk and is puking out the side of the car. HOT! Megan is also the slut (and she’s a dead ringer for an ugly, less talented, and extremely irritating Tiffany Shepis). Heather is supposed to be the virginal “good girl” so she is the only one with real boobs, and Lisa is the Neve Campbell head-on-her-shoulders girl, but basically they’re all just sluts, and they’re wearing some of the worst slut clothes I’ve ever seen. And I know; I have lots of slut clothes.

They decide for some reason to stop and spend the night at Lisa’s uncle’s house (screw the concert/party/plot!), which is a mansion just minutes away from where they stopped to binge drink. Uncle Marty isn’t around when they get there, and they make themselves at home. Lisa and Kurt make out in the hallway, in the kitchen, on a bed, enjoy fellatio on the hallway, and move around the house unnervingly for no apparent reason throughout badly written scenes between the four teenagers (remember, Megan is unavailable because she’s washing her boobs in the shower for the first half of the film. Her boobs were very very dirty, apparently).

Uh Oh! Uncle Marty has come home! And he’s fucking creepy! Not creepy in a monster way, but creepy in a creepy barfly way. He walks in on Terry and heather making out completely naked in the shower, and he walks in on Kurt and Lisa having sex. Oh, and he walks in on Megan masturbating on the bed. And then he kills Megan by biting her in the neck with his fangs and sucking her blood. Did I happen to mention this is a vampire film?

With Megan gone, Uncle Marty thinks of clever things to say like, “Your friend has a thick skin. Muahahahahahahahahahahah”. Oh, Uncle Marty, you silly kidder! But Uncle Marty isn’t the only one who has stellar dialogue! Terry’s favorite comeback is “I got your ____ right here!” while clutching his crotch. Lisa says “OhMyGod you scared the shit/crap out of me” at least 5 times. Kurt spews out frat boy homoerotica while bashing beer cans on his forehead. Heather says “And to think I was gonna sleep with him tonight!” about 4 times before actually sleeping with Terry. Heather would be saying something just as awful, but for most of the movie she’s either too busy masturbating on conveniently placed rose petals on the guest bed, or washing her boobs for 20 minutes in the shower, or dead.

Oh and the sound effects! So loud, so inappropriate! Farts, chewing noises, and belches all neatly added by the press of a computer button add spice to the first 30 minutes of the movie. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear those noises while watching people flirt, drink, fuck, and shower? And not only are these sounds oh-so unprofessional, they’re embarrassing and do nothing but cheapen the already very cheap storyline and what little drama has been squeezed out of stone.

Marty has devised a plan to turn Heather (you know, cause she’s all virginal and shit) into his undead vampire bride. Heather of course does not want this. Terry and Kurt are now vampires, and Megan is still masturbating or washing boobage, so Heather and Lisa are left alone to fight the powers of darkness.  And of course, the powers of cliché will save them. But not before there’s a reallllllly awkward, and inexplicable, sex scene between Kurt and Lisa AFTER Kurt has turned into a vampire and attempted to kill Lisa.  Lighting 5 million candles (rivaled only by the candle/sex/swimming pool scene in Cry Wolf) and blowing at least two large fans on her actors’ faces, Kilbourne created a silly and decidedly un-sexy sex scene. There’s no creativity and absolutely nothing to separate this sex scene from any other late night porn on the seediest motel pay-porn channel, except maybe that Kilbourne’s scene has a much lower budget and actors who don’t know what they’re doing.

The icing on the cake of badness is the realllly God-awful computer generated imagery. Like the stupid video-game-looking dungeon Kurt ends up in after being killed by Vampire Uncle Marty. It looks like a background of one of the earliest versions of Myst. Oh, and then, Kurt ends up in another dungeon where he is seduced by a scary vampire stripper-slut (what?) that bears no relation to anything else happening in the story. Don’t blink for a second at the end of the film because if you think cartoon videogame skeletons are scary, well, you’re stupid, and you’ll also probably be scared by the ending.

So, basically, what was Tiffany Kilbourne thinking? And, is that a pseudonym for some poor shmuck who didn’t want his name on the flick? Or is there really a Tiffany Kilbourne out there and did she think this was sexy, scary, or in any way good? God bless her soul, because this is seriously my all-time favorite movie ever, replacing Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in the West, which was to long anyway. I highly recommend this movie to anyone and everyone. I urge you to see it immediately. Shower of Blood is the funniest comedy I’ve seen in ages. I haven’t laughed that hard in eons.