Writer and Director: Eamon Hardiman

Starring: Ally Melling, Vanessa Kessinger, and Megan McDowell

Year of Release : 2005

Wow. This movie most definitely transported me back to junior high. And, nope, it wasn’t the schoolgirls or nuns that made me think back to my schooldays. It was the film making. It very closely resembled a project I could have made in junior high. Hilarious.

Written and directed by Eamon Hardiman, the film, Catholic Ghoulgirls is really, well, I’m not even sure. I watched the film the entire way through without even knowing what was going on. It stars Ally Melling, Vanessa Kessinger, and Megan McDowell as the girls. What I think I might have comprehended was that zombies were overtaking a town and the schoolgirls, er, ghoulgirls, may have had something to do with saving the town? I think that’s wrong, though, since it’s the lesbian nuns who end up saving the day at the end. The plot might have been explained a bit in the very beginning, but I must have missed it. Or maybe it wasn’t. Essentially, to me, it seemed like some zombies were invading a town for an unknown reason and the only way to kill them was through slaughtering their brains. Standard zombie stuff, right? A group of girls, the Catholic schoolgirls who wore their uniforms the entire time, and a group of slacker boys were the central characters in this film.

Although the movie was released in 2005, the town seemed stuck in some 80’s or 90’s funk. I don’t really know, though. I was confused the whole time. And it’s not because of a lack of intelligence on my part; it’s because there were issues with the film like inconsistencies in the sound, entire skipped scenes, disastrous camera work, and some wretched acting. The main skipped scene that really jolted me was when the guys had rendezvoused at a bar and all one of them could talk about was getting a sandwich. The bartender told him to go ahead and get a sandwich and then suddenly zombies were attacking him. What happened in between? Did he get his sandwich? I want to know, damnit!

Catholic Ghoulgirls is the sequel to Escape From the Dead, made by Hardiman in 2003. Maybe watching it would answer my questions.

There is definitely an upside to all of this -- the dialogue actually wasn’t so bad. I found myself amused during the scene where the guys are discussing GI Joe. I think I actually chuckled to myself a couple of times. Also, the blatant use of nudity was quite amusing. One of the girls gets in the shower and you see her naked through the shower doors. This is before the character playing her brother tells her, “I’ve got some fuckin’ to do” (an awesome line, by the way) and leaves the room. The next scene, when he is apparently getting ready to get his fuck on, the chick bares her breasts and then is eaten by a zombie. That also got a laugh out of me. I’m a stickler for decent dialogue and this dialogue kept my attention the whole way through.

Don’t get me wrong here—I wouldn’t burn this movie. In fact, I would recommend that everyone watch it to 1) help me figure out what was happening 2) reminisce 3) have a laugh and some fun.